I can't wait till I become fluent in German. Then I'll be free to express myself in whichever way I like, and say whatever I want, without fear of people understanding me.
Then perhaps I'll learn languages such as Italian, and Russian as well. And when I'm done with that, I'll have the glorious opportunity to say whatever I need to say, express things in which ever language will best be able to allow me to do so, without worry of people knowing what I hold close to me.
Till then though, I'll just hold it close to my chest, buried under smiles and laughter.
I love the English language, but sometimes, that everyone around me can speak it can be the most constricting thing.
I miss being in Germany.
I really do. I feel like being there opened my eyes a lot as to what could have been, should have been. Having been there, and now being back here, I feel everything is so gray. Miserable. Far away.
I feel so out of place here. I've withdrawn from so many friendships. Not entirely, no. It's not as if I threw my friends away and started being alone and stuff, but I just refuse to let any one as close any more. It's as if I know that there has to be more, that I need to be further away, living a life I know I need to have, and all this, all of this feels so temporal and surreal, and just not worth the effort.
I catch myself wishing constantly that things were different. There's a tug at my heart telling me that no, this is not where I'm supposed to be, not where I need to be. Something is calling my name, I just don't know what. Is it Germany? Is it something else? Who knows?
All I know is that I cannot continue down the current path upon which I am on. There needs to be a disconnect. I need to forge a completely new path for myself, somewhere completely different, somewhere fresh and invigorating, somewhere that will make me feel
alive.
I'm just so tired of the place where I'm at right now. So so so tired.
I don't think that the world is a safe place.
I'm uncomfortable here, and I constantly want to leave.
Not leave to another school, not leave to another country, leave entirely.
It's just so tiring to keep everything up. To pretend like I'm enjoying whatever it is I have in life, to pretend like I'm grateful (even though I know I should be).
The world is too full of things and people that will harm you, that will leave you broken on the ground as they laugh at the pieces of you on the floor.
What does this mean? You pretend. You hold yourself together and build up walls around you twenty meters high. Then you whitewash them, and paint them, and pretend like there aren't any walls there. So that if anyone tries to break you down, they hit the wall instead.
But you know what else this means?
You're stuck within those walls yourself. You can't get out. You can't reach people.
So what now? Let yourself out? Allow yourself to feel, but risk being hurt? Or give that up and stay safe?
I chose safety.
But it's exhausting. Tiring. Lonely.
I am unsatisfied, unhappy, restless, I need out.
I feel like there has to be so much more. I feel like whatever I'm experiencing now isn't reality. Something is missing. Something isn't where it should be. Something. Everything.
I just don't know what.
And it keeps me up at night. Every night. Every day. What is it. What am I missing. How can I get it back. What is it?
What is it? What is it?
I just want to know. I want to feel normal. I want to feel happy. I want to feel like a part of the world and not like i'm detached from it, watching from behind glass walls. I'm sick of it.
But there's no way in hell that I'm leaving myself vulnerable to the sharks in the water.
So what now?
Pine? Whine? Sit in the dark late into the night and wish?
Something like that I suppose.
I just want something to happen. Something drastic. Something dramatic. Something that is not ordinary.
I mean, I'm ready to drop everything and almost everyone (I say almost because you would never get me to give up my best friend, not if you held me at gunpoint), and go somewhere else. Somewhere new. Somewhere completely removed from here and now. I'd give it up. Friends, family, school, everything. I'm sick of this "ordinary". Sick of it all. I need to get out. I need to.
I need out.
Eyes
Eyes lock in on eyes that stare back with equal intensity, perfectly mirrored.
She let out a shuddering breath, feeling the air stutter just the slightest as it left her. She leaned heavily on her hands, braced to either side of her on the bathroom sink for support, and just stared. Stared at the mirror in front of her, stared at the eyes, all so familiar and yet not, that stared back.
Gaze never once wavering, she smiled; lips pulling at the edges, teeth revealed, cheekbones raised high, eyes crinkling just that much at the edges.
Well, let it never be said that she didn't do a fantastic parody of a smile. No one ever noticed in any case. The performance delivered, paired with stupid, self-deprecating statements, and wry humor, was enough of a sign to tell the world that everything was fine, to simply carry-on as per normal. It was enough, but it was not yet perfect. No, someone had almost called her out. Almost.
"Hey, you alright today?"
"Peachy, why?"
"Something's just off. You seem rather upset about things lately."
"You refer to my rather sullen disposition then? The curse of being surrounded by dimwits I'd say."
"No, really. You know you can always talk right?"
"Of course I can talk, have you ever known me to shut up?"
A quick diversion after that, a change of topic. Still...
How?
Everything was in place, all the right muscles pulled taught and relaxed into the image of joy, yet there was something off about it. Something she couldn't quite place.
Leaning in, she studied the picture she made. Oh. There it was.
Joy danced across her features, laughs looking ready to burst forth from lips, but somehow, for some reason, it didn't quite reach her eyes.
Two dark pools of dead stared out of the face of joy, a patch barren of life in a wild and thriving forest.
Sighing again, she let the mask fall (for was it not what that had become in the recent days, little more than a mask to evade annoying and intrusive questions?), eyes flitting first downwards and the back up again to look at the now stoic face.
Stoic was better.
Her eyes matched stoic.
Stoic was easier.
Stoic invited questions. Made people ask. She didn't like questions. She didn't like to be asked. Too touchy, too raw, too painful. Easier behind glass walls of false happiness and pretend nonchalance, easier packed into boxes that never saw the light of day, easier to slip into the skin of a carefree person.
Her eyes slid shut and she swallowed the lump that had begun to form in her throat. No. Stop. Weakness. No. Arrow. Focus. Now.
Thoughts were steeled and focused and sharpened, memories of a time less... effortful pulled from shelves and forged together to form a single bright spark. She cradled that spark gently, as if it were a precious, fragile relic prone to breaking at any moment.
Eyes flying open, she pulled forth her mask again, settling muscles and features into a well practiced and orchestrated play. Then she called forth the spark, forcing it into her expression as well.
There. Now her character was perfect.
She smiled at her visage, reflected exactly in the mirror before her.
In the mirror, twinkling eyes, filled with mirth, smiled back.
Off to the skies we go
So, in just a couple of days I will be flying to Germany for 43 days. It's quite daunting really, it being the first trip I would ever have taken on my own, and I guess I'm rather afraid that I would die on the way there or something. Yet, I must say I am excited. As some might know, Germany is a country that fascinates me endlessly. So to be able to spend such an extended period of time there, just getting to know its language, its culture, its people and its history; it's rather like a bag of treats for me. The first one month I will be in Germany will be spent in Stuttgart, where I will be involved in a German Language Immersion Program, a program that I hope will enable me to get a better grasp of the language. After that, I will be spending about 10 days in Berlin, and another 5 in Munich, where I plan to spend as much time as possible in the Museums in hopes of collecting all the information I need for whatever studies I plan to do in Singapore. I also plan to roam the streets of Berlin and explore the places that I had not gotten to when I last went in 2009 with my school.
So yes, that's what's going to happen. I reckon it will be quite the experience. So till then,
Still breathing.
<3 Purpleandorangesheep
Exams
Are the bane of human existence. I want to nuke them. If only doing so wouldn't mean the complete annihilation of the place that i, you know, live.
Oh well.
Tonight in this cosy place...
Sitting in the common room on level 19 of my hostel, I am struck by how nice it seems to have all these people that i care for, engaged in their individual activities, and yet all so connected to me. To one side, four of us are playing a really interesting game called Blockus. Further away a small group is hard at work typing on their computers, completing individual assignments. Not too long ago, the same group was laughing hysterically at some strange video or another. Myself, i have just stepped out from playing a game and have now placed myself in a quiet corner, just observing all of these.
 |
| Home is where I am tonight |
Such scenes have become so commonplace in my life, and I cant help but be so incredibly thankful for it. There is this feeling of just... home... that these wonderful people evoke in me. This sense of belonging, of peacefulness, of contentedness, it's just something that being surrounded by this brilliant people make me feel.
I personally think that home and family is made of the people that you care about, and who care about you. That's what I feel when I look at the people here. They're amazing, and will forever be called part of my family, because they are just that important to me. This is home.
I don't know. This is such an incredibly random post to make, but it's just something that I felt I had to say. The feeling just gripped me, and well. Here it is.
So yes. Home. Tonight in this cosy place.
Till next time, I will continue to breathe.
<3 purpleandorangesheep
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