I don't think that the world is a safe place.
I'm uncomfortable here, and I constantly want to leave.
Not leave to another school, not leave to another country, leave entirely.
It's just so tiring to keep everything up. To pretend like I'm enjoying whatever it is I have in life, to pretend like I'm grateful (even though I know I should be).
The world is too full of things and people that will harm you, that will leave you broken on the ground as they laugh at the pieces of you on the floor.
What does this mean? You pretend. You hold yourself together and build up walls around you twenty meters high. Then you whitewash them, and paint them, and pretend like there aren't any walls there. So that if anyone tries to break you down, they hit the wall instead.
But you know what else this means?
You're stuck within those walls yourself. You can't get out. You can't reach people.
So what now? Let yourself out? Allow yourself to feel, but risk being hurt? Or give that up and stay safe?
I chose safety.
But it's exhausting. Tiring. Lonely.
I am unsatisfied, unhappy, restless, I need out.
I feel like there has to be so much more. I feel like whatever I'm experiencing now isn't reality. Something is missing. Something isn't where it should be. Something. Everything.
I just don't know what.
And it keeps me up at night. Every night. Every day. What is it. What am I missing. How can I get it back. What is it? What is it? What is it?
I just want to know. I want to feel normal. I want to feel happy. I want to feel like a part of the world and not like i'm detached from it, watching from behind glass walls. I'm sick of it. 
But there's no way in hell that I'm leaving myself vulnerable to the sharks in the water. 
So what now?
Pine? Whine? Sit in the dark late into the night and wish?

Something like that I suppose.

I just want something to happen. Something drastic. Something dramatic. Something that is not ordinary. 

I mean, I'm ready to drop everything and almost everyone (I say almost because you would never get me to give up my best friend, not if you held me at gunpoint), and go somewhere else. Somewhere new. Somewhere completely removed from here and now. I'd give it up. Friends, family, school, everything. I'm sick of this "ordinary". Sick of it all. I need to get out. I need to. 

I need out.