I can't wait till I become fluent in German. Then I'll be free to express myself in whichever way I like, and say whatever I want, without fear of people understanding me.
Then perhaps I'll learn languages such as Italian, and Russian as well. And when I'm done with that, I'll have the glorious opportunity to say whatever I need to say, express things in which ever language will best be able to allow me to do so, without worry of people knowing what I hold close to me.
Till then though, I'll just hold it close to my chest, buried under smiles and laughter.
I love the English language, but sometimes, that everyone around me can speak it can be the most constricting thing.
I miss being in Germany.
I really do. I feel like being there opened my eyes a lot as to what could have been, should have been. Having been there, and now being back here, I feel everything is so gray. Miserable. Far away.
I feel so out of place here. I've withdrawn from so many friendships. Not entirely, no. It's not as if I threw my friends away and started being alone and stuff, but I just refuse to let any one as close any more. It's as if I know that there has to be more, that I need to be further away, living a life I know I need to have, and all this, all of this feels so temporal and surreal, and just not worth the effort.
I catch myself wishing constantly that things were different. There's a tug at my heart telling me that no, this is not where I'm supposed to be, not where I need to be. Something is calling my name, I just don't know what. Is it Germany? Is it something else? Who knows?
All I know is that I cannot continue down the current path upon which I am on. There needs to be a disconnect. I need to forge a completely new path for myself, somewhere completely different, somewhere fresh and invigorating, somewhere that will make me feel
alive.
I'm just so tired of the place where I'm at right now. So so so tired.
I don't think that the world is a safe place.
I'm uncomfortable here, and I constantly want to leave.
Not leave to another school, not leave to another country, leave entirely.
It's just so tiring to keep everything up. To pretend like I'm enjoying whatever it is I have in life, to pretend like I'm grateful (even though I know I should be).
The world is too full of things and people that will harm you, that will leave you broken on the ground as they laugh at the pieces of you on the floor.
What does this mean? You pretend. You hold yourself together and build up walls around you twenty meters high. Then you whitewash them, and paint them, and pretend like there aren't any walls there. So that if anyone tries to break you down, they hit the wall instead.
But you know what else this means?
You're stuck within those walls yourself. You can't get out. You can't reach people.
So what now? Let yourself out? Allow yourself to feel, but risk being hurt? Or give that up and stay safe?
I chose safety.
But it's exhausting. Tiring. Lonely.
I am unsatisfied, unhappy, restless, I need out.
I feel like there has to be so much more. I feel like whatever I'm experiencing now isn't reality. Something is missing. Something isn't where it should be. Something. Everything.
I just don't know what.
And it keeps me up at night. Every night. Every day. What is it. What am I missing. How can I get it back. What is it?
What is it? What is it?
I just want to know. I want to feel normal. I want to feel happy. I want to feel like a part of the world and not like i'm detached from it, watching from behind glass walls. I'm sick of it.
But there's no way in hell that I'm leaving myself vulnerable to the sharks in the water.
So what now?
Pine? Whine? Sit in the dark late into the night and wish?
Something like that I suppose.
I just want something to happen. Something drastic. Something dramatic. Something that is not ordinary.
I mean, I'm ready to drop everything and almost everyone (I say almost because you would never get me to give up my best friend, not if you held me at gunpoint), and go somewhere else. Somewhere new. Somewhere completely removed from here and now. I'd give it up. Friends, family, school, everything. I'm sick of this "ordinary". Sick of it all. I need to get out. I need to.
I need out.
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