I miss being in Germany.
I really do. I feel like being there opened my eyes a lot as to what could have been, should have been. Having been there, and now being back here, I feel everything is so gray. Miserable. Far away.
I feel so out of place here. I've withdrawn from so many friendships. Not entirely, no. It's not as if I threw my friends away and started being alone and stuff, but I just refuse to let any one as close any more. It's as if I know that there has to be more, that I need to be further away, living a life I know I need to have, and all this, all of this feels so temporal and surreal, and just not worth the effort.
I catch myself wishing constantly that things were different. There's a tug at my heart telling me that no, this is not where I'm supposed to be, not where I need to be. Something is calling my name, I just don't know what. Is it Germany? Is it something else? Who knows?
All I know is that I cannot continue down the current path upon which I am on. There needs to be a disconnect. I need to forge a completely new path for myself, somewhere completely different, somewhere fresh and invigorating, somewhere that will make me feel alive.
I'm just so tired of the place where I'm at right now. So so so tired.