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Monday, November 26, 2012 6:36 PM | 0 ♥ comments

Sometimes, on good days, I think about how some people, a very select few, appreciate me despite my mediocrity. It makes me smile just a little bit.
I just needed to say thank you.

Curse this morning sun...

Tuesday, November 20, 2012 3:25 PM | 0 ♥ comments

... Drags me into one more day of living with myself.
I'm so incredibly sick of it all. I just need somewhere to run, somewhere where no one can find me. It's always such a relief to lock myself in my room and keep everyone else at something far more than just an arms length away. I don't know, human interaction, even with the best of people, can get so tedious at times. It's not something I can maintain on a regular basis without ample breaks in between. I'm exhausted.
Alone is what I have.

Saturday, November 17, 2012 12:10 AM | 0 ♥ comments

http://byzantiumtests.com/

Your responses indicate that you have a normal desire to share yourself with others. However, this need is not being adequately fulfilled at present.

As a result, you unconsciously attempt to treat this emptiness with momentary interests and temporary passions. If left unaddressed, this imbalance leads to impulsive behavior and unnecessary risks.

Past betrayals have left you generally suspicious of others’ behavior, particularly regarding romantic relationships. You fear you may be exploited if you open yourself too fully. Consequently, you often seek some proof of a new friend’s or lover’s sincerity before you decide to trust them.

Further complicating your relationships is the anxiety you have about your unfulfilled personal and professional goals. You fear that you’ve made decisions that weren’t in your own best interest, or failed to take advantage of opportunities when they presented themselves.

The desire to overcome these challenges sometimes lead you to seem pushy or even arrogant. Because this competitive urge is not always apparent to others, they are often surprised by it.

However, the passion that underlies your desire for success is unique. This makes you unlike others. You cannot simply accept what life has to offer; you aspire for more.

Okay, fair, this test wasn't meant to be a personality test exactly. I think it was part of a trailer for a movie or something, and I tell you, if you play it all the way through, it is bloody awesome. So bloody frightening and yet so damn exciting. It's pretty damn good, and a thousand kudos to the people who came up with it.

But I think what struck me here was how much I related to what was said above. I think it frightening that I do. But that's how I feel, and isn't that what blogs are for? To leave a little bit of how you feel all over? So that's what I'm doing. leaving this here.

<3 purpleandorangesheep

Monday, November 5, 2012 8:52 PM | 0 ♥ comments

I feel so ridiculous being constantly on the verge of tears for seemingly no reason at all.

Friday, November 2, 2012 3:12 AM | 0 ♥ comments

So, here's something I haven't really thought about all that much. Why am I in cheerleading?

Whenever I talk to people about my life in USP and university, inevitably, I will usually make mention that I am in cheerleading. To which the standard response from anyone around me will be "You? Really? How?" They'll be perfectly capable of understanding what makes me able to join cheer (tiny size and all of that) but what they wouldn't be able to understand is why. I'm someone who's not the most preppy person. I would not be caught dead wearing frilly things, or waving pompoms about. I am completely opposed to doing the creepy forced super huge smile that cheerleaders seem to always have on, or squealing out cheers in obscenely high voices. If you ask me to go "Ready? Okay!" and wink and whatever, I'm more likely than not to give you a weird stare and then back away slowly from you as though you had a weird infection. That's me. I'm not a cheerleader in personality at all. Sure, I can shout and cheer for people, but I'm sure most of you will agree that that is pretty different from the smily bouncy thing that cheerleaders have to do.
So why am I in cheer?
I think it occurred to me that the reason I'm in cheer, what makes me keep going back, is those few moments that I'm in the air and I feel like I'm flying. I love that feeling of being airborne, that moment of your breath catching in your throat as you're launched from the safety of being on your two feet and into the air. I practically live for it. I love the adrenaline. I love the excitement. I love the freedom. I can't begin to describe what it's like. The thrill, the fear, it is absolutely breathtaking. I'm no longer trapped by the constraints of the world, or restricted by gravity. Those few seconds in the air, it feels as though whatever is weighing me down is inconsequential. It's my escape in this world of absolute boring and mundane and monotone. And for me, someone who feels so bogged down by everything that is, this escape is invaluable.
I love the feeling of flying, and that is why I'm in cheer.

Saturday, October 13, 2012 6:35 PM | 0 ♥ comments

Ich kann nicht mehr. Verstehst du? Ich finde alles zu schwer. Jeder braucht so viel und ich kann nicht mehr geben. Du willst zu viel und ich kann nicht machen. Das bin ich. Das ist alles. Ich bin nicht wie dich. Ich bin nicht genug. Das verstehe ich. Also du muss jetzt eine Entscheidung machen. Bleib oder geh. Wenn du hier blieben möchtest, dann sag nicht mehr. Ich würde hier bleib. Ansonsten lass mich in Ruhe. Verlang nicht mehr von mich.
Ich hasse wirklich meine Gefühle. Die sind ganz mühsam.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012 10:34 PM | 0 ♥ comments

There are tears in my eyes, now. And I don't know what I can do, should do, to stop it.

I don't even know where they're coming from.

the most delicious sort of pain

10:32 PM | 0 ♥ comments

There are days when I'm just gripped by nostalgia. I find myself perusing the multitude of photos I had taken in Germany, and in viewing them, feel the rush of emotion that comes with remembering the things I did there, the people I met, the sights I saw. Something grips my heart, constricting in a tangible and real way, made out of a sense of wistfulness and longing, bordering on painful. A lump forms in my throat, impossible to choke down. It makes me feel so sad. My heart feels like it's crying for something that has been so forcefully and mercilessly torn away from it. I want to reach out for it, but it's so far away, so beyond physical reach that it hurts. Yet it becomes almost like an addictive sort of sadness, where, despite the tirade of emotions so powerful it makes me want to cry, I cannot stop myself from constantly revisiting the photos, constantly wanting to feel the way I did, constantly wanting to immerse myself in everything that being in Germany was to me.
It's getting to be mildly ridiculous I think, but on some level, it is the most delicious sort of pain.

Friday, September 21, 2012 6:56 PM | 0 ♥ comments

I can't wait till I become fluent in German. Then I'll be free to express myself in whichever way I like, and say whatever I want, without fear of people understanding me.
Then perhaps I'll learn languages such as Italian, and Russian as well. And when I'm done with that, I'll have the glorious opportunity to say whatever I need to say, express things in which ever language will best be able to allow me to do so, without worry of people knowing what I hold close to me.
Till then though, I'll just hold it close to my chest, buried under smiles and laughter.

I love the English language, but sometimes, that everyone around me can speak it can be the most constricting thing.

Thursday, September 20, 2012 1:07 AM | 0 ♥ comments

I miss being in Germany.
I really do. I feel like being there opened my eyes a lot as to what could have been, should have been. Having been there, and now being back here, I feel everything is so gray. Miserable. Far away.
I feel so out of place here. I've withdrawn from so many friendships. Not entirely, no. It's not as if I threw my friends away and started being alone and stuff, but I just refuse to let any one as close any more. It's as if I know that there has to be more, that I need to be further away, living a life I know I need to have, and all this, all of this feels so temporal and surreal, and just not worth the effort.
I catch myself wishing constantly that things were different. There's a tug at my heart telling me that no, this is not where I'm supposed to be, not where I need to be. Something is calling my name, I just don't know what. Is it Germany? Is it something else? Who knows?
All I know is that I cannot continue down the current path upon which I am on. There needs to be a disconnect. I need to forge a completely new path for myself, somewhere completely different, somewhere fresh and invigorating, somewhere that will make me feel alive.
I'm just so tired of the place where I'm at right now. So so so tired.

Sunday, September 16, 2012 12:07 AM | 0 ♥ comments

I don't think that the world is a safe place.
I'm uncomfortable here, and I constantly want to leave.
Not leave to another school, not leave to another country, leave entirely.
It's just so tiring to keep everything up. To pretend like I'm enjoying whatever it is I have in life, to pretend like I'm grateful (even though I know I should be).
The world is too full of things and people that will harm you, that will leave you broken on the ground as they laugh at the pieces of you on the floor.
What does this mean? You pretend. You hold yourself together and build up walls around you twenty meters high. Then you whitewash them, and paint them, and pretend like there aren't any walls there. So that if anyone tries to break you down, they hit the wall instead.
But you know what else this means?
You're stuck within those walls yourself. You can't get out. You can't reach people.
So what now? Let yourself out? Allow yourself to feel, but risk being hurt? Or give that up and stay safe?
I chose safety.
But it's exhausting. Tiring. Lonely.
I am unsatisfied, unhappy, restless, I need out.
I feel like there has to be so much more. I feel like whatever I'm experiencing now isn't reality. Something is missing. Something isn't where it should be. Something. Everything.
I just don't know what.
And it keeps me up at night. Every night. Every day. What is it. What am I missing. How can I get it back. What is it? What is it? What is it?
I just want to know. I want to feel normal. I want to feel happy. I want to feel like a part of the world and not like i'm detached from it, watching from behind glass walls. I'm sick of it.
But there's no way in hell that I'm leaving myself vulnerable to the sharks in the water.
So what now?
Pine? Whine? Sit in the dark late into the night and wish?

Something like that I suppose.

I just want something to happen. Something drastic. Something dramatic. Something that is not ordinary.

I mean, I'm ready to drop everything and almost everyone (I say almost because you would never get me to give up my best friend, not if you held me at gunpoint), and go somewhere else. Somewhere new. Somewhere completely removed from here and now. I'd give it up. Friends, family, school, everything. I'm sick of this "ordinary". Sick of it all. I need to get out. I need to.

I need out.

Eyes

Wednesday, July 25, 2012 3:54 AM | 0 ♥ comments

Eyes lock in on eyes that stare back with equal intensity, perfectly mirrored.

She let out a shuddering breath, feeling the air stutter just the slightest as it left her. She leaned heavily on her hands, braced to either side of her on the bathroom sink for support, and just stared. Stared at the mirror in front of her, stared at the eyes, all so familiar and yet not, that stared back.

Gaze never once wavering, she smiled; lips pulling at the edges, teeth revealed, cheekbones raised high, eyes crinkling just that much at the edges.

Well, let it never be said that she didn't do a fantastic parody of a smile. No one ever noticed in any case. The performance delivered, paired with stupid, self-deprecating statements, and wry humor, was enough of a sign to tell the world that everything was fine, to simply carry-on as per normal. It was enough, but it was not yet perfect. No, someone had almost called her out. Almost.

"Hey, you alright today?"

"Peachy, why?"

"Something's just off. You seem rather upset about things lately."

"You refer to my rather sullen disposition then? The curse of being surrounded by dimwits I'd say."

"No, really. You know you can always talk right?"

"Of course I can talk, have you ever known me to shut up?"

A quick diversion after that, a change of topic. Still...

How?

Everything was in place, all the right muscles pulled taught and relaxed into the image of joy, yet there was something off about it. Something she couldn't quite place.

Leaning in, she studied the picture she made. Oh. There it was.

Joy danced across her features, laughs looking ready to burst forth from lips, but somehow, for some reason, it didn't quite reach her eyes.

Two dark pools of dead stared out of the face of joy, a patch barren of life in a wild and thriving forest.

Sighing again, she let the mask fall (for was it not what that had become in the recent days, little more than a mask to evade annoying and intrusive questions?), eyes flitting first downwards and the back up again to look at the now stoic face.

Stoic was better.

Her eyes matched stoic.

Stoic was easier.

Stoic invited questions. Made people ask. She didn't like questions. She didn't like to be asked. Too touchy, too raw, too painful. Easier behind glass walls of false happiness and pretend nonchalance, easier packed into boxes that never saw the light of day, easier to slip into the skin of a carefree person.

Her eyes slid shut and she swallowed the lump that had begun to form in her throat. No. Stop. Weakness. No. Arrow. Focus. Now.

Thoughts were steeled and focused and sharpened, memories of a time less... effortful pulled from shelves and forged together to form a single bright spark. She cradled that spark gently, as if it were a precious, fragile relic prone to breaking at any moment.

Eyes flying open, she pulled forth her mask again, settling muscles and features into a well practiced and orchestrated play. Then she called forth the spark, forcing it into her expression as well.

There. Now her character was perfect.

She smiled at her visage, reflected exactly in the mirror before her.

In the mirror, twinkling eyes, filled with mirth, smiled back.

Off to the skies we go

Wednesday, May 16, 2012 12:33 PM | 0 ♥ comments

So, in just a couple of days I will be flying to Germany for 43 days. It's quite daunting really, it being the first trip I would ever have taken on my own, and I guess I'm rather afraid that I would die on the way there or something. Yet, I must say I am excited. As some might know, Germany is a country that fascinates me endlessly. So to be able to spend such an extended period of time there, just getting to know its language, its culture, its people and its history; it's rather like a bag of treats for me. The first one month I will be in Germany will be spent in Stuttgart, where I will be involved in a German Language Immersion Program, a program that I hope will enable me to get a better grasp of the language. After that, I will be spending about 10 days in Berlin, and another 5 in Munich, where I plan to spend as much time as possible in the Museums in hopes of collecting all the information I need for whatever studies I plan to do in Singapore. I also plan to roam the streets of Berlin and explore the places that I had not gotten to when I last went in 2009 with my school.
So yes, that's what's going to happen. I reckon it will be quite the experience. So till then,

Still breathing.

<3 Purpleandorangesheep

Exams

Monday, April 16, 2012 11:52 PM | 0 ♥ comments

Are the bane of human existence. I want to nuke them. If only doing so wouldn't mean the complete annihilation of the place that i, you know, live.
Oh well.

Tonight in this cosy place...

Monday, April 2, 2012 9:40 PM | 0 ♥ comments

Sitting in the common room on level 19 of my hostel, I am struck by how nice it seems to have all these people that i care for, engaged in their individual activities, and yet all so connected to me. To one side, four of us are playing a really interesting game called Blockus. Further away a small group is hard at work typing on their computers, completing individual assignments. Not too long ago, the same group was laughing hysterically at some strange video or another. Myself, i have just stepped out from playing a game and have now placed myself in a quiet corner, just observing all of these.

Home is where I am tonight

Such scenes have become so commonplace in my life, and I cant help but be so incredibly thankful for it. There is this feeling of just... home... that these wonderful people evoke in me. This sense of belonging, of peacefulness, of contentedness, it's just something that being surrounded by this brilliant people make me feel.
I personally think that home and family is made of the people that you care about, and who care about you. That's what I feel when I look at the people here. They're amazing, and will forever be called part of my family, because they are just that important to me. This is home.
I don't know. This is such an incredibly random post to make, but it's just something that I felt I had to say. The feeling just gripped me, and well. Here it is.
So yes. Home. Tonight in this cosy place.

Till next time, I will continue to breathe.

<3 purpleandorangesheep

Looking up, looking down

Sunday, April 1, 2012 12:47 AM | 0 ♥ comments

It's been three months since my last blogpost, but i have returned with yet another. Perhaps one might wonder why I would feel like doing this once again, out of the blue. I really have no idea. It was just a whim I got when I opened up my old Macbook (yes, just the Macbook, not the Pro). I suppose the feeling of its keys just makes me want to type. Something about this machine perhaps. It really has the most wonderful keyboard. The touch of the keys under my fingers just feels so satisfying. Perhaps I should take to writing my essays on this machine. But that is a story for another time.
So, I'm almost at the end of my second semester of University. It's pretty crazy really, in the blink of an eye I have transitioned from floundering Junior College student, struggling with her A levels, to floundering University student, struggling with her CAP. It seems so much has changed and yet everything has stayed the same.
On a lighter note, things have been going much better for me this semester compared to the last. For one thing, I no longer feel the same oppressive darkness that hung over me last semester. Life does not feel nearly as hopeless as it did. Granted, my feelings sometimes feel very muted and washed-out, as if I feel behind a glass wall, but at least I feel. It is extremely relieving and nice, and sometimes I just get overwhelmed by it all. It's such a beautiful contrast to be able to experience this side of life once more, much like a color-blind person finally being able to see the first semblance of color in their life. Sometimes I burst out in strange shows of affection for the people around me, and maybe it is weird. I cannot help it though, they are the people who have helped see me through what I would consider one of my darkest periods in my recent life, and I am nothing if not grateful to them for it.
Seriously, the people in my University are some of the most brilliant, wonderful, sweet people that I have ever met. They are non-judgmental, supportive, funny, amazing and really, nearly every positive adjective one can think of. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful people in my life, but I do know that I have to thank God everyday for them.
Also, I have undergone a change in faculty. This is probably one of the more intelligent things that I have done in my University life. I am much happier in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences than I was back in Business. Granted, my future may no longer seem as secure as bright, but hey, at least I am happy. I really do think that if I am going to be studying something for the next four years, then I bloody well better like it. And I do like what I am doing now (political science), so I guess this is all good.
I'm also in my second semester of German. It is getting much much much more difficult than it was last semester, but it still continues to retain its fun value. As we would say in German, "Deutsch ist sehr schwer, aber es macht sehr viel Spaß!" Indeed, it does make for a lot of fun. And since I am going to Germany in May (yay!), I anticipate it can only get better. :)
On the downside, I guess you could say that University life is getting harder. Transferring to arts by no means lessened my workload - if anything, it feels as though it has been increased. Yet I do manage to find in me a motivation that I never really had back in Business school to do well. Perhaps this has much to do with passion, which was sorely lacking last semester if you ask me. Whether or not I will succeed is a completely different matter entirely, but at least for now, I can say that I do badly want to try. And try I will.

So yes. Life is so much different this semester, and yet so much the same, and I must say, I am excited for what it holds next in store for me.

Until then, I swear to God I will continue to breathe.
And maybe this time, even smile.

<3 purpleandorangesheep

Counseling

Thursday, December 15, 2011 1:05 AM | 0 ♥ comments

Today, I read this post on the internet while trying to do some self-diagnosis for something I've been experiencing. The person making the enquiry was facing a situation so similar to mine, that it was almost disconcerting. Mainly, it's to do with feeling a lack of emotion. Like her, I've felt... almost nothing as of late. Perhaps the occasional bout of anger, of sadness, usually at night, and these come so intense and so overwhelming that I'm reduced to a pathetic mess of tears and snot, but come morning, it's all gone again. Come morning, nothing.
The solution given was as follows:

Whenever we try to shut off close down or avoid certain emotions, the problem is that everything else can get shut down as well. It’s not like there’s one dial for happiness, another for sadness, and yet another for anger.

We either feel our emotions or we don’t. If you want your positive emotions back, you will have to open up to the negative ones and work through them. The reasons why we shut down emotions are all based on fear, but with different variations.

We may be afraid of hurting somebody else or we may be afraid that if we show our anger we’ll be negatively judged for it. We judge that we should have gotten over something from the past, but when there are still feelings left, we’re afraid that something’s wrong with us that we haven’t “gotten over” something.

There are many more faces you can put on fear, including the one you mentioned, where you're afraid of people disappointing you, so you close down instead.

To feel love again, you'll need to face your fears of what will happen when you access your anger. The problem with believing our fears, whether it’s on a subconscious or conscious level, is that the fears is always out of proportion with reality, but we have no way of knowing that unless we face what we’re afraid of.

You may even be able to respond with, well, logically there's nothing that you're afraid of, you’re a strong woman and can’t be bothered with stuff like that, but what resides in your subconscious is not under logical control. From what you write you can’t be feeling happy. How can you be when you’re not feeling anything?

A person’s happiness depends on their ability to be able to exist in the world without fear of being hurt.This includes the ability to express yourself in whatever way you want without the fear of being judged for your individual expression.

Much of our lives is spent trying to fit in, making others happy, and pleasing the people around us so that they accept and love us. We are afraid of rejection, saying or doing the wrong thing, and other people walk around you with some degree of fear.

We all want love and don’t feel that we can be ourselves and express our needs and desires for fear of conflict with others. You need to get help with finding out why you’ve closed down. What sequence of events and associations have made you feel so hurt that it’s no longer safe for you to participate in life.

You need to learn different alternatives to closing down your emotions so you can be emotionally safe in this world.

Can you see a pattern of creating expectations of people that are regularly broken? Where are you not listening to your inner voice? Can you see where you ignore your needs to be loved by others? Do you believe what you’re told without waiting to see if a person’s actions are concurrent with their words? Do you get angry later when what people say isn’t what they do?

There’s a lot for you to find out about how your mind thinks, how it comes to conclusions about people, what meaning those conclusions have, and how you can change those meanings to bring love and happiness back into your life.

Besides asking yourself these questions, you also need to look at your suppressed anger and explore its triggers. All emotions relate back to behavior that you learned a long time ago. What patterns of behavior can you identify and redefine to bring you less pain and to build your knowledge about who you really are?

You are not your behavior, the lack of love that you feel, and the hurt that you've experienced. So who are you? What do you like, what don’t you like? What parts of yourself are you comfortable with, which parts do you despise about yourself? Where are you angry with yourself? Where do you not let love into your own soul?

You’re tired of being who you think other people want you to be. In a way, you’re in an emotional rebellion. If you can’t be who you really are and feel loved and accepted for you, warts and all, it can make you feel like life is hardly worth living.

Your body, mind and soul are trying to communicate to you that something needs to change, that you can’t go on the way you have, that it’s just not working for you. All the hurt you’ve experienced is cumulative, and you’ve gone numb to stop the pain, which would overwhelm you if you were feeling the emotions right now.

This is why it’s important that you find a counselor you’re comfortable with to guide you through the process of uncovering your pain a little at a time until you learn how to do it yourself and you can continue to safely do it on your own.

I don't know how to feel about all of this, mainly because it seems so real. So applicable. As if the person here was talking directly to me.
Yesterday, I yelled at my sister and we had a shouting match, but really, through it all, I was relishing the pretense of feeling an emotion as intense of anger, rather than actually feeling it. It felt nice to shout, but the motivation behind it was pretty much empty. It's like I'm walking around, perfectly empty. I know I should be feeling something, but I don't. It's very much like standing in front of a large glass dam, facing something of a tidal wave of emotion. You can see it, you know it's there, but it doesn't so much as touch you. It's detached.
And I guess I kind of hate it.
I mean, while it is great to not feel any negative emotion, as the person mentioned in their response, I don't feel any positive emotions either. There is no real happiness, no real laughter, not even love. Which really sucks, not only for me, but those that I profess to love. I think somewhere within me I know that I'm supposed to love them, and I bet I do, I just don't feel anything right now. I laugh when I know I'm supposed to laugh, I smile when I'm supposed to smile, I frown when I'm supposed to frown, I'm sympathetic when I know I'm supposed to be, I cry when I'm supposed to be sad, and I yell when I'm supposed to be angry. It's all so mechanical, and yet with no feeling behind it. It's like I know what's the socially acceptable reaction in each instance and act accordingly, not according to what I feel, which is in fact a giant mass of nothing.
Someone close to me could die and I don't actually foresee myself having a violent reaction to it at this point, or much of a reaction for that matter.
I miss feeling. I miss emotion. I want to feel something. Anything.
I want to be able to tell my boyfriend that I love him and feel it, make it real not only in my head but in my heart. Because in my head, I know I love him, and I know I don't want to go through anything without him, and I don't ever ever ever want to hurt him. But where the emotion is supposed to be, there's just a blank spot. And while this is the same with everybody else, this in particular frightens me the most, because he's the one I care most about, more than anybody else, and to feel empty with regard to someone so bloody important to you, well, that just cannot be normal.
I have no idea why or when this started. Someone once told me that keeping your emotions suppressed could not be a good thing for you. I never really bothered about this piece of advice, because to me, the alternative, to let everybody know how I am feeling, to even feel everything I was supposed to feel, was... unimaginable. There was no way I could do it, not with everything I would have to face.
Oh, come now, what can a girl of 19 have to face that is really that big?
I don't know. Literally, I have no idea what I am hiding away from. Or I do have some idea, but only a rather vague one. And maybe to someone else, the pain I think I will face might seem insignificant, again, I have no idea. All I know is that there is something there that my psyche has chosen very prudently to lock away, and the very thought of unleashing it terrifies the crap out of me.
It's like monsters that I have captured and trapped in a cage of frosted glass, shadows and vague glimpses I can see, but not the creature in its entirety, yet I view enough to know that I don't want to release it and face it.
But oh for heavens sake, the feeling of numbness that I have right now. It's like nothing matters, and nothing ever will matter. It's like there's literally no reason for existence right now. It's so empty, and so dark.
I dont think I've ever contemplated suicide as often as I have in the past few weeks than I have my whole life, and that includes the time I literally took a knife to myself.
I sound like I'm whining. I wonder how many people reading this will think that I'm just an attention seeking teenage girl who has no clue the troubles of life and just wants to make a scene.
Whatever.
A part of me wonders if I should take the advice the counselor has given. Open myself up to the emotions that have been locked away.
And then another part of me just rejects that so badly. Even if I could do that (can one even open up a door shut so tight?), do I really want to? What if it destroys me? There's too much in there to face, too many emotions bottled in there since primary school. Since I decided that regardless of what hurts me, it makes more sense to just smile it off and tell no one, force myself to feel nothing, rather than confront it head-on.
Yet at the same time, I kind of what to feel what I used to feel. Happiness. Joy. Love.
I don't know what to feel.
There's a reason I chose to lock myself up in Utown and refuse to go home, and it has nothing to do with the noise at home.
There are too many reminders of what I can't have.
Like family, like love, like feeling.
Open myself up to my negative emotions, can I do it? I dont think so.
Seek professional help? I don't want to. At least...
Not yet.
Fuck, I am so messed up.

Something's gotta give.

Purpleandorangesheep

Going off now...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011 11:58 PM | 0 ♥ comments

Well, not now exactly... still got a couple of hours left to go before i leave for my annual Church Camp. It's quite a pity this year really, because as it happens, the day that we're leaving is the day of my boyfriend's and I's one year anniversary. It's been a day I'd been looking forward to for forever, but meh. I guess it was not to be. It seems this year is a year most miserable for the two of us... missing our first valentines day as a couple due to the army, missing our first anniversary because of my having to go overseas... I hate how so many factors have been working against us as of late, but i suppose all we can do really is power through them.
Maybe i'll go listen to some Starkid to cheer myself up. That always seems to work.
Anyways, this post was really just to say a goodbye... for a while... likely a very short while considering there will indeed be internet access over there in malaysia. Haha. I suppose i just wanted an excuse to make some noise. so make noise i did. haha.
Anyways, before i leave all of you, here's a drawing i did in pen! haha. I'm particularly proud of myself because there was no pencilled guidance or anything in drawing it. heehee. enjoy!