... Drags me into one more day of living with myself.
I'm so incredibly sick of it all. I just need somewhere to run, somewhere where no one can find me. It's always such a relief to lock myself in my room and keep everyone else at something far more than just an arms length away. I don't know, human interaction, even with the best of people, can get so tedious at times. It's not something I can maintain on a regular basis without ample breaks in between. I'm exhausted.
Alone is what I have.
http://byzantiumtests.com/
Your responses indicate that you have a normal desire to share yourself with others. However, this need is not being adequately fulfilled at present.
As a result, you unconsciously attempt to treat this emptiness with momentary interests and temporary passions. If left unaddressed, this imbalance leads to impulsive behavior and unnecessary risks.
Past betrayals have left you generally suspicious of others’ behavior, particularly regarding romantic relationships. You fear you may be exploited if you open yourself too fully. Consequently, you often seek some proof of a new friend’s or lover’s sincerity before you decide to trust them.
Further complicating your relationships is the anxiety you have about your unfulfilled personal and professional goals. You fear that you’ve made decisions that weren’t in your own best interest, or failed to take advantage of opportunities when they presented themselves.
The desire to overcome these challenges sometimes lead you to seem pushy or even arrogant. Because this competitive urge is not always apparent to others, they are often surprised by it.
However, the passion that underlies your desire for success is unique. This makes you unlike others. You cannot simply accept what life has to offer; you aspire for more.
Okay, fair, this test wasn't meant to be a personality test exactly. I think it was part of a trailer for a movie or something, and I tell you, if you play it all the way through, it is bloody awesome. So bloody frightening and yet so damn exciting. It's pretty damn good, and a thousand kudos to the people who came up with it.
But I think what struck me here was how much I related to what was said above. I think it frightening that I do. But that's how I feel, and isn't that what blogs are for? To leave a little bit of how you feel all over? So that's what I'm doing. leaving this here.
<3 purpleandorangesheep
I feel so ridiculous being constantly on the verge of tears for seemingly no reason at all.
So, here's something I haven't really thought about all that much. Why am I in cheerleading?
Whenever I talk to people about my life in USP and university, inevitably, I will usually make mention that I am in cheerleading. To which the standard response from anyone around me will be "You? Really? How?" They'll be perfectly capable of understanding what makes me able to join cheer (tiny size and all of that) but what they wouldn't be able to understand is why. I'm someone who's not the most preppy person. I would not be caught dead wearing frilly things, or waving pompoms about. I am completely opposed to doing the creepy forced super huge smile that cheerleaders seem to always have on, or squealing out cheers in obscenely high voices. If you ask me to go "Ready? Okay!" and wink and whatever, I'm more likely than not to give you a weird stare and then back away slowly from you as though you had a weird infection. That's me. I'm not a cheerleader in personality at all. Sure, I can shout and cheer for people, but I'm sure most of you will agree that that is pretty different from the smily bouncy thing that cheerleaders have to do.
So why am I in cheer?
I think it occurred to me that the reason I'm in cheer, what makes me keep going back, is those few moments that I'm in the air and I feel like I'm flying. I love that feeling of being airborne, that moment of your breath catching in your throat as you're launched from the safety of being on your two feet and into the air. I practically live for it. I love the adrenaline. I love the excitement. I love the freedom. I can't begin to describe what it's like. The thrill, the fear, it is absolutely breathtaking. I'm no longer trapped by the constraints of the world, or restricted by gravity. Those few seconds in the air, it feels as though whatever is weighing me down is inconsequential. It's my escape in this world of absolute boring and mundane and monotone. And for me, someone who feels so bogged down by everything that is, this escape is invaluable.
I love the feeling of flying, and that is why I'm in cheer.
Ich kann nicht mehr. Verstehst du? Ich finde alles zu schwer. Jeder braucht so viel und ich kann nicht mehr geben. Du willst zu viel und ich kann nicht machen. Das bin ich. Das ist alles. Ich bin nicht wie dich. Ich bin nicht genug. Das verstehe ich. Also du muss jetzt eine Entscheidung machen. Bleib oder geh. Wenn du hier blieben möchtest, dann sag nicht mehr. Ich würde hier bleib. Ansonsten lass mich in Ruhe. Verlang nicht mehr von mich.
Ich hasse wirklich meine Gefühle. Die sind ganz mühsam.
There are tears in my eyes, now. And I don't know what I can do, should do, to stop it.
I don't even know where they're coming from.
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